If there’s one thing college has made me realize…
It’s that white people still love cocaine, and if we all band together we can pretend it’s still the Eighties and the cultural and economic zeitgeist is firmly entrenched on Western soil.
“My fiancée and I were in Australia, and she wanted to “swim with sharks.” I, of course, said hell no. Jews don’t swim with sharks. She begged and pleaded and obliquely questioned my masculinity, so I relented. But we didn’t do it the way she wanted to—which was in a shark cage in the open ocean. We did it my way, in a shark tank up on land. I figured I’d rather they be captive in my world than the other way around. And the sharks weren’t the kind with scary names like great white or hammerhead. No, these sharks were nurse sharks. And that’s because they might as well wear little white skirts to work. They don’t eat people. In fact, they were completely nonchalant. So, after our jaunt with the nurses didn’t quite ignite my ex, she decided she wanted the great whites in the open ocean. She actually said, “Isn’t that something you want to do before you die?” I answered, “The list of things I have to do before I die doesn’t include things that might actually precipitate my death.” So I called off the wedding.”
Michael Seitzman
“There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”
David Foster Wallace
I just got an email from Amazon..
Advertising a four cup stove-top espresso maker. Do people not realize how small four cups of espresso is? That’s like two shots of liquor. Worth of coffee. What a uselessly small appliance. Who the fuck would you buy a four cup stove-top espresso maker when the six cup espresso-maker seems to only be two dollars more? Who even buys stove-top espresso makers. I mean it’s interesting as a concept but they’re prone to explosions and the only the thing that could possibly make being up at six in the morning worse is having shards of white hot aluminum buried in your groin (because most stove-tops are positioned at or near groin level, and let’s face it that’s just poor planning on the part of the average stove designer, who wants an incredibly hot heating element that close to genitals, no one, seriously). Furthermore who feels compelled to Amazon shop at this weird witching hour? I mean sure, coffee probably sounds appealing if you’re checking your email at six in the morning, but no one thinks about how it would be nice to impulse buy a small stove-top appliance.
Someone is driving around my neighborhood…
He looks tired. Do you think he is a prostitute? How did he get past the gate if he is a prostitute? Do you think he’s on the approved prostitute list? It’s six in the morning, why else would a young virile male be driving in circles in a gated community?
Something about the Hunger Games characters Katniss and Peeta.
A post about cats.
Inappropriately personal statement.
Vague, misdirected outburst.
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